Thomas: 0:00

We all have the ability to be good listeners because listening is a skill and skills are something that we can develop.

Trisha: 0:08

If they start seeing you changing and working on yourself, it just brings something. It just allows them to realize, Oh, like maybe there's things that I need to be working on as well. Seeds for your marriage.

Thomas: 0:21

We'd like to welcome you to conversations with Trisha and Thomas. We are Trisha and Thomas Walker, Relationship Coaches and Communication Experts. We help couples improve their communication, resolve conflict, and achieve God's design for an amazing marriage. Trisha, today we're going to talk about the importance of listening. Speaking is important and the ability to say what it is we're thinking, but what about listening? What are some of the things that can be pitfalls or pain points whenever listening isn't healthy in a relationship?

Trisha: 0:49

I know that for our Relationship. Oftentimes, if I feel like you don't understand me, there's often a key that maybe either I'm not speaking clearly or explaining myself well enough, or maybe you're not actively listening to me. And I know a lot of times people tend to have conversations. Where they just feel like they're going around and around the mountain and they're not getting anywhere in a particular issue or whatever. And so a key thing that can help is active listening.

Thomas: 1:25

And when you say active listening, or let's talk about lack of active listening. Right. And what that leads to often, like, I know whenever I, in our relationship, whenever there's times, whenever I'm not feeling like you're really hearing me, it can lead to feelings of frustration, maybe even anger from honest and just disappointment that here I am trying to show and communicate something that matters to me. And I'm feeling like I'm not being

Trisha: 1:52

right. And it often can put a wall between us, right? There's, it can be disconnection and just hurt feelings because we really are trying to show up in the relationship, but we're just not being heard and understood.

Thomas: 2:04

Yeah. Yeah. And I think that whenever we hear some couples that we work with, they'll say things like, they just don't understand, or I don't understand what they're saying.

Trisha: 2:12

Right. I mean, active listening can help in all realms of, Any relationship, right? No matter what type of relationship it is. It could be a work relationship. It could be a relationship with our children, with their parents. With, I mean, just someone we're just meeting and being able to really know how to just stop what we're saying and just pay attention to them, give them honor, show them love by really listening to what they're saying adds so much value to the relationship.

Thomas: 2:40

Yeah. I couldn't agree more. That is really the goal, right? Is. Everyone in this life, I believe, wants to be seen, heard, and understood. And I think it's also important to connect that to our relationship with our Father, and the communication that we have with Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And as we learn to listen more to His voice and His instruction, it actually does something in our ability to become better listeners for those that we're doing life with.

Trisha: 3:10

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So, Thomas, what are some good takeaways? What does it take to actively listen?

Thomas: 3:18

Yeah, so I'm so glad you asked that question because we've worked with people, as you know, that will say, well, I'm just not a good listener. And I want to stop and just say that's a lie. That's a lie. We all have the ability to be good listeners because listening is a skill and skills are something that we can develop. Three things that it takes. One is it really takes about being intentional. And I know you love to talk about this a lot, which is our will, our mind and our emotions and bringing all of those things into alignment. With the intention of being there to really understand and connect with our partner.

Trisha: 3:59

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, intention, when you're talking about the will, the mind and emotions, that's our soul. Our soul is made up of those three things, and we want to show up in the relationship. Then we need to bring our full self into that relationship.

Thomas: 4:13

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And then secondly, you know, once we're intent, meaning we purpose it in our heart, And in our mind that we are going to become better at listening, we got to get the know how and that's acquiring knowledge. We're going to do some of that here today and share some tools and approaches that we have used that we found to be successful in this area.

Trisha: 4:34

Absolutely.

Thomas: 4:35

And then thirdly, it's about practice. You know, practice, practice, practice. They often say there was a study done that if you put 10, 000 hours into something, you can become expert.

Trisha: 4:45

Well,

Thomas: 4:46

we're not going to necessarily say you need to do 10, 000 hours of listening, but we will say without practice, we're not able to actually learn and develop those new muscles and those new capabilities.

Trisha: 4:57

But I mean, actually, if you really think about it, I mean, we live this life every day, a long time. We live this life, this life, a long time. And every day. We're usually having multiple conversations, if not with a person in the room with us or on the phone or whatever, but also with ourselves and also with God.

Thomas: 5:15

Yeah,

Trisha: 5:16

there's multiple conversations that it's going on in our life on a given day.

Thomas: 5:19

Yeah, so true. So true. And I think that that's absolutely right. So maybe 10, 000 hours is actually a really low number.

Trisha: 5:26

Yeah.

Thomas: 5:27

Just thinking about what you just said.

Trisha: 5:30

Yeah. So we're going to give us some tips

Thomas: 5:32

about

Trisha: 5:33

five tips to help you know how to actively listen.

Thomas: 5:37

Yeah.

Trisha: 5:38

Tip number one, inviting Holy Spirit into the conversation. I feel like this is so important because if we know how to tune our ears to the Holy Spirit, we really know how to listen to God's voice and what he's saying to us. It really helps to bring his perspective into every relationship and every conversation that we're having.

Thomas: 6:01

Yeah, I agree. And I think that's also so true because the importance of being able to tune in to his voice. And his words over a situation or even over our partner, because if we lean on our own understanding and we see with our natural eyes, we can often get it wrong. But when we access Holy Spirit and we allow Holy Spirit to be our guide and to give us the wisdom and the discernment, we can actually pick up things that we normally would not see in terms of what our partner is really trying to communicate.

Trisha: 6:35

Absolutely. And we all have those days where we're just So stressed out so frustrated, right? And we come home. He was usually the person that gets the wrath of Our day. It's usually the

Thomas: 6:49

one that we're closest with.

Trisha: 6:50

Exactly.

Thomas: 6:50

Yeah, and

Trisha: 6:51

for most people a lot of people it's their spouse

Thomas: 6:54

Yeah,

Trisha: 6:54

and I know that A lot of times hurt people often hurt people and whether it's intentional or not, it just sometimes just comes out and, and so if we, when we're listening to the other person, if we can truly hear God's perspective and his truth on the situation, we can actually realize, Oh, wait a minute. I'm not going to take offense here. I'm really going to hear what they're trying to say and try to see if I can help them get to the root of really all of that frustration. Yeah. That they're talking about

Thomas: 7:27

and you know what, I, one thing that you just said that triggered a thought is that when we're listening to our partner, we're giving them a tremendous gift because who doesn't want to be understood and who doesn't want to be understood most deeply by the person that you're spending your entire life with, that you've come together to become one and walk this path of Life in unity. Don't you want to do that in peace and enjoy? And so I also think that there's a significance of inviting the Holy Spirit from the standpoint of when we bring Holy Spirit into our conversations. We're bringing all the fruit that comes with that.

Trisha: 8:08

Right.

Thomas: 8:09

Right.

Trisha: 8:09

Absolutely. Absolutely. And, and really what, when we're talking about this, we're not talking about situations or relationships where there is a person who has abusive conversations or they're speaking to you in an abusive way. That's not at all what we're talking about here. We're talking about conversations where there's, there's honor and respect on both sides. And you really do want to Actively listen to hear the other person and really, and really help build that relationship in some way.

Thomas: 8:40

Yeah, I think that's really good, Trish. The thought that came to my head is just the idea of we're both caring for ourselves and we're both caring for each other. And when we both have our care signals in the right direction or in the same direction, then there's a genuine level of intent. Thanks, guys. To really understand each other and work through and get better for each other. And so you're absolutely right. Like, this is not about abuse. Like you said, hurt people often hurt other people. So one of the things that we really advise couples that we work with is Bring your best self, right? Get healed, get delivered and work through those personal issues that might be present in your life because with not doing that, it prevents us from maybe showing up in in our in the best way that we can for for our partner.

Trisha: 9:31

That's awesome. I love that. Yeah, absolutely. The last thing I'd say on tip number 1 is, Oftentimes, especially with conversations with our spouse, we're trying to make decisions about things. Some things are usually, can be very actually important decisions, and God wants to be involved in every area of our marriage, in every area of our family, in every

Thomas: 9:54

area.

Trisha: 9:54

Yes. Even in the bedroom. Absolutely. Yeah,

Thomas: 9:58

that's another. That's a conversation for another

Trisha: 10:01

day, but he does. And if we can really tune in to his voice. When we are even listening to our spouse about decisions, we can actually trap maybe thoughts that are not from kingdom, right? Not, we can trap thoughts that are maybe temptations from the enemy about maybe to make a decision that would, would be. Eventually probably destroy the family or the relationship or what have you, but really stop and tune in to his truth. What the kingdom principles, he's trying to show you for that particular situation and decision.

Thomas: 10:40

Yeah. A hundred percent. Tip number two is being fully present. And you know, we worked through this one over the years about the contracting that we do. Where is the time? The location and the topic, right? Those things being really important because being fully present means that. Nothing else matters except for my ability to connect with you and to listen to really understand what's on your heart, what it is you want, and what it is you're experiencing in life that I can better understand so that I can also empathize with you in a way to really understand and then figure out, okay, well, what do we do with that? How do we move forward together and resolve if there's an issue or a conflict? But it's not always all bad, too. I want to really stress that. Like, we do work with a lot of couples that are coming to us when they're in a moment of despair, but these are just good hygiene skills. It doesn't always have to be a problem. Sometimes we're just figuring out how do we walk into an opportunity.

Trisha: 11:42

Yeah. So would you say that being on your phone, being on social media when I'm trying to have a conversation with you is not maybe even necessarily the best

Thomas: 11:53

way of being

Trisha: 11:54

fully present?

Thomas: 11:55

Yeah, I mean, you know, being fully present is really a couple of things. There's the outward view, which is if I'm sitting in front of my computer and I'm just like huh. Yep. Yep. Keep telling me. Yep. Sure. And I'm literally, I'm not listening. You know, I think that there's, there's just a lot of research and literature that says multitasking is probably a misnomer in terms of our ability to really do it. We need to have a single focus. And if you are the most important person in that moment, I am going to prioritize you above everything else, which means. No football game in the background, cell phones down, laptops closed, and I'm there for you. 100%. That's the physical room. But we also have a mental, a spiritual, and a thought life that we have to deal with as well. And so that means that I've got also quiet voices that are in my head. Because most of the conversations that we have are actually with ourselves. They're between our ears. And if I'm not able to suppress those internal voices, it will also cloud my ability to just listen and be there for you.

Trisha: 13:05

Absolutely. So, oftentimes, I know when we have coached couples on communicating when, especially when there is a really important decision or something really important on my heart or the person's heart that they really want to share with their spouse. We actually have them stand in front of one another.

Thomas: 13:26

Yeah.

Trisha: 13:26

Because it kind of helps put your mind in that framework of, I'm here for you.

Thomas: 13:32

Yeah.

Trisha: 13:32

You're both, we're both like, we're eye to eye. We're, you know, looking straight at one another and we are giving each other that full attention, that full honor. And it just really helps. It helps with breaking down some of those barriers and just bringing in connection just by our body language. Right? Our body communicates so much.

Thomas: 13:53

I mean, our body sends so many more messages and actually our brains as people, we are wired to always scan our surroundings. Right? And so we're picking up these little subtle cues, which is, are you making eye contact with me? Because if you are, then I'm probably more likely to think that you're actually paying attention to me, right? Are you looking somewhere else? Are you looking out the window? Right? Are you in your screen? Right? Are your arms crossed? Right? Right. Are your eyes rolled? Is your head tilted to the side? Are you snapping your finger? You know, like this, you know, those kinds of things. And so you're absolutely right that I am here for you. Is in that in the message that that says, and I also think that just communicating that, which is sometimes it alleviates the pressure in the room. Whenever we just say, you know what I am here. My goal, my goal right now in this moment. It's to understand you, right? That's my goal. And so whenever, you know, that that's my intent. Talk about just what that means to you, who is trying to share their heart with me.

Trisha: 14:58

Yeah, by knowing that you're here for me, just helps to know that I am. I'm loved, helps me to know that I'm heard, I'm valued. It just brings so much safety, especially for a woman, right? It brings so much safety to know that, that, that their partner is there for them.

Thomas: 15:15

Yeah. Yeah. And security and safety for women. Number one.

Trisha: 15:21

Yeah.

Thomas: 15:21

And to be loved.

Trisha: 15:22

Yeah.

Thomas: 15:23

Yeah.

Trisha: 15:23

So tip number three is letting your partner speak. Well, letting your partner, I mean, how often do we actually have conversations and the other person is constantly interrupting us or telling us? Oh, yeah, I did that too. Or this is what I did or trying to give us advice when we don't even want advice. We just want them to hear us.

Thomas: 15:46

Yeah. And you know what? I'm just going to connect the dot. This goes back to number one, inviting Holy Spirit. There are times where there's small talk and it's just like, Oh, how was your day? It was great. How was my day? It was great. And we're just going back and forth. Right. And we're just doing the dance of communication. There are other times when it's like, you know what? Today was terrible and I am not in the mood to hear about your day in that moment. I really want you to listen to my day. And so that not interrupting and letting your partner speak. Becomes critical because if I start speaking too soon, I just hijacked the conversation. Not only am I now going to frustrate you because there's something that you want to share. That you're not able to, but I'm also hurting myself in that moment because I'm going to be missing an opportunity to get some vital information that allows us to maintain our connection,

Trisha: 16:36

right? And I think sometimes it's just being open about what it is that we're wanting in this particular moment. Like, honey, I had a really rough day today. And I just really need some time just to be able to process that with you and talk about what's on my heart, what's going on. And I just, I really just need you to listen to me. And if we can start by that, it helps them to know. Oh, okay. They don't want some advice. They just really just want me just to stop, suspend everything, my thoughts, and just fully pay attention to them, what they're saying.

Thomas: 17:12

I love that, Trish. I mean, I'm just, like, feeling Holy Spirit all over that because Sometimes it can be as simple as that, which is just communicate what it is that you want, so I don't have to guess. And if I know that that's what you need and what you're looking for from me, I now have the opportunity to meet that need. Or I might say, Hey, Trish, I really want to hear about your day. Right. Can we do it? Fine. Can we do it in 20 minutes? Because in that time, I know I can be fully present, but where I'm at right now, I'm not in the position to be fully present for you. So would it be okay if we do it a little bit later after dinner? And now you can say yes. What happens? We know we're going to have the conversation. We know when you know that I'm going to come into that conversation fully present. You see what I mean?

Trisha: 18:02

Absolutely. And you're

Thomas: 18:03

at peace because you know that you're going to get to share.

Trisha: 18:05

Right. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I think that's so critical. Yeah.

Thomas: 18:09

Yeah. I also think that a couple of things when it comes to letting your partner speak is, is just also just hold off on asking questions because our curiosity Can run wild. Right? Oh, I wonder what happened there. I wonder what happened there. And it's like, no, no, no. By saying, I wonder what? I wonder. I wonder, I wonder, it's kind of like you're starting to make it about you. Mm-Hmm.. And your own curiosity, whereas going back to inviting Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit, what are the questions that you would have me ask? So that I can gain a deeper understanding into Trisha and Trisha can gain deeper understanding on the topic.

Trisha: 18:47

Yeah, I think to be actively listening, we have to be sure that we don't start asking questions too soon because we can derail the conversation. Like the person can, can start focusing on what you're asking them and you're really interrupting their whole conversation. Like, thought process of really what they were even trying to say in the first place. Yeah. And, and it can really, if you just allow to stop speaking and just stop even your thoughts in your head about what, about what they're saying, then, and just let them talk, they'll start sharing things. And if they, You just nod your head, like, you know, nodding your head

Thomas: 19:28

and invite more. Is there anything else

Trisha: 19:30

you want to share? It's almost like this onion.

Thomas: 19:33

Yeah.

Trisha: 19:34

I mean, men, if you really want to get to the core of the woman that you're trying to understand, Just stop speaking

Thomas: 19:43

and listen and

Trisha: 19:44

listen. Just allow that onion to be unpeeled.

Thomas: 19:48

Yeah,

Trisha: 19:49

invite more information and then she'll search. So she'll go a little deeper and start searching for more information about what it is that she feels, what she's thinking, what she's wanting. She'll start going deeper into the layers. And I that that particular topic or issue that she's talking about.

Thomas: 20:05

Yeah, I love that. And the way I would distinguish between being there and just inviting more information, oftentimes in those moments, we get the information that we need to know. Right. But if we start asking a whole bunch of questions, we're going to end up getting the information that we want to know. And there's a big difference between wants and needs and what we really need for this connection to really happen and to get to the heart of the matters. We need to get the information that we need. Not that we want. Yeah,

Trisha: 20:35

absolutely.

Thomas: 20:36

Okay. So let's go to tip number four, which is. So this one, I mean, you're the most qualified to talk about this one because it was not in the too far past that you had a hard time with this one.

Trisha: 20:50

Oh yeah, September 4 is playing back what you heard. Oh my goodness. I had so many thoughts in my head about what Thomas was saying. But what you were saying to me about something that I just would take offense so quickly and would have like my mind to be racing with what I wanted to say next about how I could defend myself. Or whether I agreed with what you're saying or disagreed, right? Which just ended up turning into a huge blow up and fight.

Thomas: 21:18

Yeah, because I would walk away feeling like, see, she doesn't understand me. And now she thinks that I'm attacking her. I'm not attacking her. I'm actually just trying to share my heart. Right, right. I just want to share my heart.

Trisha: 21:33

Yeah, so playing back what you've heard. So, yeah, it's summarizing what they said, but really, really It, there can be some summarization, but if you really just play back exactly what you heard.

Thomas: 21:47

Yeah.

Trisha: 21:48

Then the person knows, yeah, you are hearing me. You are hearing what I'm saying.

Thomas: 21:53

And you know what I love about that is you get immediate feedback,

Trisha: 21:56

you

Thomas: 21:56

know, back to the body language. Whenever you say, so here's what I heard you say, you said a, b, c, d and e, did I get that right? And if you get the head nod, you're saying, okay, I'm tracking with you. I'm totally getting it. Is there anything else you want to share? But if you say, well, I heard you say FGH and now you're seeing like that quizzical look on your partner's face, she's like, wait, what? Or he's like, huh? That's not what I said at all. Right? Well, what are you doing? Those moments, whenever, whenever we get it wrong. Right. And we didn't quite hear what our partner was trying to communicate. What do we do?

Trisha: 22:32

Well, that just makes the person feel like they're just not being hurt.

Thomas: 22:36

But what do we do? Yeah. So that happens. I mean, it still happens in our relationship, but what do we do in those moments? I'll give you the answer. It's not a quiz. We just say, can you tell me again?

Trisha: 22:47

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And we don't get upset about it. Right?

Thomas: 22:50

Don't get upset

Trisha: 22:50

because I mean, early on, like, I did not, I had so many thoughts in my head. And I had so much going on inside of me that was hurt, like just hurts inside of me from from experience, previous experiences from my childhood, whatever, whatever it is, I had so much going on inside of me. I was ready, like, before you even opened your mouth, I was ready for a fight.

Thomas: 23:12

Yeah,

Trisha: 23:12

I would come out of the gates fight.

Thomas: 23:14

I know.

Trisha: 23:15

So I had a hard time really just stopping those thoughts in my head to try trying to defend myself in my, in my own head. Yeah. To just truly listen to what you're saying. Yeah. So when I summarize I didn't summarize when I was even trying to say word for word what you were saying It'll be very hard for me because it was like I was hearing so many different voices in my head and not just yours

Thomas: 23:37

Yeah, 100 so I

Trisha: 23:38

had to quiet those voices and then I just had to say I just had to say, I had to practice. Okay, let me just take one sentence at a time. Is this what you're saying?

Thomas: 23:46

Yes.

Trisha: 23:46

Okay.

Thomas: 23:47

Well, see, that's the other thing. One sentence at a time. Sometimes, you know, I, you know, I can hold a lot of information. So you could talk for maybe three, four minutes. And I do pretty good at just playing at that. Yeah. But for you, you need to break it down into bite sized chunks. And I had to learn that that's okay, even though I have eight things to say. I know that I'm going to say them one at a time. I'm not going to say all eight because you just don't process information that way. And so learning how your partner processes information or even learning how you process information so you can be present and you can practice the skill of playing by what you heard. A couple of things that this is not. Do not add your thoughts. To your partner's thoughts, right? This is about what they said, not what you think about what they said. You see what I mean? That's a big difference. Yeah. Yeah. So then the other thing, you know, is men. I'm speaking to the men now because we are solvers. We are problem solvers. And there are times whenever you would communicate to me and I'd be like, oh, well, here's what you need to do. You need to do this, this, this, and that, and it would frustrate you because you're just like, I'm not communicating for you to fix me. I'm not asking you to solve my problem. I'm just asking you to understand

Trisha: 25:00

and

Thomas: 25:00

listen to what I'm trying to say.

Trisha: 25:02

You know what the key is there? It builds when you do that, when you learn to really do that. It builds intimacy.

Thomas: 25:08

Yeah.

Trisha: 25:08

Because intimacy is into me, you see. So if you could just, Again, stop talking.

Thomas: 25:17

There's a theme.

Trisha: 25:19

Look, get eye contact.

Thomas: 25:21

Yeah, yeah.

Trisha: 25:23

Show me in your body language that you are really trying to connect with me and trying to listen. Just that right there will help to build intimacy. Yeah,

Thomas: 25:31

absolutely. Yeah, and there's a saying that we often use, which is, Are you listening to understand or are you waiting to speak? Mm hmm. Most often than not, we, we, we, as listeners, we think we're trying to understand, but really we're just waiting. Are you okay? Are you done? Are you done? And our focus is get through hearing you talk so I can make sure you hear everything that I have to say. And we want to turn that around. Like you said, stop speaking. Just stop.

Trisha: 26:04

Yeah. And

Thomas: 26:05

really tune in.

Trisha: 26:05

Yeah. If your goal is connection and especially in a marriage, if your goal is connection, if your goal is to connect your hearts or to maintain that heart connection. The way that you go about your conversations, especially in your listening, makes a world of a difference. It

Thomas: 26:22

does. Yep. So let's get to number five. This is the last tip of today. Okay. So go for it. I'm doing it. Okay. It's asking open ended questions. And really, like I said a little bit earlier, is We ask questions not to feed our own curiosity. Asking questions is about gaining clarity. So that I, as the listener, get clarity into you, Trish. And that you, as the person who's trying to get clear, I'm helping you. I'm helping both of us in the process. So when we say ask open ended questions, what we mean by that is Things like how, where, when. Got a couple of examples here. If you want to ask someone, how did that make you feel? That is a good open ended question. The reason why is because you have to explore. You have to communicate and generate what the answer is versus if I just say, were you scared?

Trisha: 27:21

Yeah, like a less yes or no question. A yes

Thomas: 27:23

or no question. You know what they're called? Dead end questions, right? Because if I say, were you scared? And I was thinking you're going to say yes, but what if you say no, where do I go with that conversation from there? I didn't get any new, I really didn't get any information. I just got a yes or a no. So they become dead ends.

Trisha: 27:42

Yeah. So those questions like what, how.

Thomas: 27:45

Where, when, the why, right, why puts people on the defensive, right, because when we ask people why they did something or why did you think that, it's, now I have to rationalize and explain myself, right? I have to justify. My thoughts are my feelings. So the why questions we want to table those, there are times and appropriate places for those, but we, that's like level three.

Trisha: 28:13

So those open ended questions help me to really go deeper into that layer of the onion and to really explore what it is and share what it is that you're trying to ask me.

Thomas: 28:25

Yeah. Like things like, what would you like to do next? Right. That's open ended versus say, what do you want it to go tomorrow? Well, yes, no, I don't know if I want to go tomorrow. I haven't even thought about tomorrow. But if you ask me what I want to do next, I can probably tell you what I'm thinking.

Trisha: 28:39

Well, and those are questions to also cause it's the explorative part of our brain.

Thomas: 28:45

Yeah.

Trisha: 28:45

It's the part of our brain that really helps to unlock a higher level of thinking, where it helps take us out of maybe the reactive. Mode of our brain, you know, the fight or flight, but really when we ask, when we're asking those open ended questions, we're allowing those neurotransmitters in their brain to really start generating new information and really try to think more deeply about what it is that you're talking about.

Thomas: 29:12

Agree. We're not living out of our emotions. We're not living out of. to our brain. So I think it's important to remember that we're moving and accessing a part of the brain where the answers have to be generated. And back to your first tip, which is when we invite Holy Spirit, when we start generating these thoughts and these answers, Holy Spirit is there with us. And he's very present in the conversation. Right? So, you know what? Yeah. Is this all? Is it, can this be supported by scripture?

Trisha: 29:40

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. So you want a scripture, huh? So you're

Thomas: 29:44

so glad I'm asked that question, right, ? Yeah. Yeah. Talk about it.

Trisha: 29:47

So James, 1, 1 19. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

Thomas: 29:56

There it is right there. So even if you're not sure or wondering, this is, this instruction is, I think, very, very clear, right? Quick to listen, slow to speak. Let's practice that over the course of this next week. What do you think?

Trisha: 30:10

Absolutely.

Thomas: 30:11

We can always get better. No one's ever there. That's what I love about a life of following Jesus is we go from glory to glory. And we're going to get better. We're learning, moving, growing, right? Beings. And our goal is to ultimately reflect him in his full image.

Trisha: 30:30

Yeah. And if If you feel like this is difficult in your relationship, in your marriage, just practice this outside of the home, practice this with your coworker, practice this with your boss, regardless, they don't have to know, they don't even have to know you're actively listening. You don't have to say, okay, I'm going to actively listen right now while you're talking to me. You can just practice it. The more you do this, the more you practice this, when you start bringing this into the home. And you're able to do this with your spouse and you both are able to honor each other. You're both are able to love each other. You're both able to just be there for one another and understand one another. It brings so much peace in the home and your children start to learn this and they begin to learn how to communicate effectively with one another and with, and with Holy Spirit. A

Thomas: 31:25

hundred percent. The last thing I just really feel compelled to share is that, Trisha, whenever we're You acknowledge that, hey, I am not really good at listening and I want to get better. You communicated that to me, right? And we talked about that. And the reason why I want to say that is because you didn't just say, I'm not a good communicator and leave it there. You said, I'm not a good communicator and I want to learn and as a disciple, what is a disciple?

Trisha: 31:56

A disciple is a learner.

Thomas: 31:57

We're a learner. And so if you're listening to this and you're not maybe a good communicator and you would say that about yourself, or if you're someone who, I would encourage you to not go home tonight and tell them that you know, we all have to come to our own understanding about where the areas of opportunity are for growth in our, in our life. But once we do acknowledge that, and we get to that place to say, I want to get better at listening. What's really important is the other person gives grace. Right, because there were times when you first started on this journey of getting better. That you didn't always get it right, and I could have gotten frustrated. I could have just walked away and stormed out of the conversation, but I extended grace because I knew that you were investing in our relationship to try to get better. So therefore, I'm not going to penalize that. I'm going to reward that. Because I know that you're trying to become your best self. To have the best relationship that we can possibly have,

Trisha: 33:00

right? Absolutely. Yeah. When we work on ourselves, it just opens up so much for our spouse to do the same.

Thomas: 33:09

Yeah.

Trisha: 33:10

Whether we are communicating that really or not, if they start seeing you changing and working on yourself. It just brings something. It just allows them to realize, Oh, like maybe there's things that I need to be working on as well. Exactly. So

Thomas: 33:26

exactly. No, it's above reproach. Right.

Trisha: 33:28

Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you guys for listening to conversations with Trisha and Thomas.

Thomas: 33:34

Have a blessed day and week ahead.

Trisha: 33:36

Thank you for listening to Seeds for Your Marriage with hosts Trisha and Thomas Walker. We pray this episode has given you tips and tools on how to thrive in your marriage. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Trisha and Thomas.

Thomas: 33:54

We want to hear from you. Be sure to leave a review and let us know how we're doing. It's our desire that this podcast completely benefits you.

Transcribed by https: 34:01

otter. ai So also let us know future marriage topics that you would like to hear about.